Posh food

I don't understand posh food. There, I've said it.

First off, there's the dishes themselves. Picture your typical fine dining menu:

• Quenelles of axminister on a belushi rosti
• Hipster cop three ways with charred lurex, served with a eurovision broth
• Braised largesse with persil ravioli and germolene purée
• Camshaft torte served with a crushing sense of ennui

 Well OK, not quite like that, but you get the idea. Why can't they just say "beef and carrots"? And why are there so rarely potatoes (or rice, or pasta)? Surely a meal needs its carbs?

And the portions  are always so small. This is the three-course meal cooked by the winner of this year's Mastechef, Saliha Mahmood-Ahmed. Sorry Saliha, I'm sure it's delicious, but I'd be stopping for chips on the way home.

So, posh food. That's why I just don't get you. My offer to accompany anyone who would like to take me to Berares, however, still stands..